our progeny sings soprano

Sarah Brightman totally looks like what would happen if Kristen and I had a baby together.
Apparently we are hot mamas.

Nickelodeon Crosses the Line

Ever notice how in cartoons when the characters hit their head on something a giant penis grows out of it?

We did.

Curtain Update

I finally put that shit up.

There was a saga, obviously. I lost the charger for the power drill...so I had to buy a new power drill...but I accidentally bought a power SCREWDRIVER...so I had to manually drill holes into my wall and hammer anchors into them.

Yes, manually. Which means I twisted a really long drill bit (?) into the drywall for about seventeen minutes on each side of the window.

But my curtains are rad. Although, Mr. Tom Binoculars across the street has been forced to find some other boobies to peep. Less rad. For him, mostly.

Even better is that kilo (the cat) is completely entertained by these curtain at all times, so he doesn't run all over my face at night anymore.

Also, I'd just like to point out--because these are the most important things in the world to me--all the shows that are starting or have just started:

America's Best Dance Crew (Feat. Hok from So You Think You Can Dance!?!?)
Friday Night Lights
Celebrity Rehab: Sober House
The Tudors
Flight of the Conchords
Big Love
FUCKING LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and a whole bunch of other cool shit that will keep me from going out, getting drunk, and taking expensive cabs home.

hey, really long commute to my boring/dangerous neighborhood-- suck it.

The Only Child I'll Ever Love

This is my cat, smiling with his eyes.
sj

Grits are Never a Mistake

Even if they're backwards.
-Kristen

Mistake of the Day: Never Putting Up My Curtains

When Kristen straightens her hair, she sometimes looks like Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings.

Anyway, listen to this thing that happened to me yesterday:

I have been expecting some boxes from FedEx and UPS and the USPS. (I get a lot of stuff, ok?) The boxes had not come, and it had been awhile. So yesterday I decided I would call these places to see what was the haps. Just as I was about to call, someone buzzed my apartment.

Let me take a moment here and just give you the heads up on what our neighborhood is
like: BAD. Someone once got shot on our doorstep.

So, I answered it with a tinge of apprehension. What ensued was perplexing and a little scary.

Some dude said into the intercom "Sarah?"
I said..."yeah...what?"
He said "Can you let me up? I have something for you."
"Uh...no."
"Well I have some packages for you"
"Are you UPS?"
"No"
"FedEx?"
"No"
"Post Office?"
"No, I live across the street."

What the fuck?!

I told him I would come down. So, I did. And there at my doorstep is this middle aged guy wearing gloves and a hat, NO boxes to be found. I asked him what the deal was and he proceeded to inform me that for the past week he had been collecting the boxes that were shipped to me and others in my building because "You girls are always in and out, and sometimes you're just not here to get your packages. So I get these things for you."

Um...ok. Are you watching me, dude? I know there are no curtains on my windows, and I know someone in your building has binoculars. Is it you?

I told him, respectfully, that he should not feel the need to pick up stuff for me. He said "Ok, well one of these boxes is really heavy so I'm going to have to bring it up to your apartment for you."

Erm...nope.


So the guy went and got FOUR HUGE BOXES from his apartment that he had for some reason decided I did not need to receive until he saw fit. EVEN THOUGH UPS tried to deliver them while I was actually at home. Which leads me to believe he was just waiting for my shit to arrive.


I'm sure he was just a good samaritan, ok? Maybe someday I will come home and he'll be waiting and say "You girls are always in and out, so I took the liberty of paying your electric bill." Or, "You girls aren't around so much, so I changed your cat's litter." "Here, I went ahead and unclogged your drain." "I got this new tux so I can answer your door for you when you are expecting guests."

Until then...could you try not to fuck with my victoria's secret boyfriend-style pajamas delivery?

Don't get stoned on a match.com date

Whatever you do, no matter how much you think you might be able to grow to like the guy, don't get stoned with a match.com date that you aren't totally into. I had been on a couple of dates with this one .com dude when we decided to go to his place, smoke and watch heroes. Instead of fun times, the weed turned me into a paranoid paula. I got all on edge because I realized how much I didn't want to be there. For the next twenty minutes I sat perched on the edge of the couch trying to think of way to escape without coming off as an asshole and also without having to touch him. it was awful. I started sweating and eyeing the door. Finally after much internal debate, I got up and said "I'm sorry I have to go. I promised my roommate i'd be home for Dexter". I hoped he wouldn't call me out and say that he already knew I have showtime on demand and therefore could watch dexter whenever I wanted. he didn't. As I tried to make a beeline to the door he stopped me just as I reached the door. Then with my eyes still on the doorknob he reached into hug as he said, "you know I really like you." The proximity of the door to the outside and my paranoia suddenly kicked my survival mode up a notch and I was completely unable to lie at this point so instead of saying something nice in return I shouted "I Know!!" and ran out the door. An hour later I was safely on the couch surrounded by SJ, kilo, and munchies. At last I was home, and I would never leave on another one of those awful dates again.